I'm a Mother Without a Child

With it being Mother's Day, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the trial of going through a miscarriage. My baby would be around 2 1/2 years old right now. Was it a little boy or a little girl? What color hair did he/she have? And so many other questions. Being that I got pregnant through IVF, sometimes I wonder if it was a pregnancy that was never meant to happen, and that's why I miscarried. I know that sounds bad, but it's a question that I have, among so many others. I'll admit that I am still very disappointed. I don't understand why this had to happen after all that I had put my body through to try to have a baby.  Maybe I was never meant to be a Mother.

That thought scares me. I'm not getting any younger and I feel like I'm running out of time. When Lee lost his job, our lives were put on hold. We are slowly getting back to where we were. He is working full time again, and we are building another home, but I still don't know what my future holds when it comes to having a family. We want to start the adoption process again, and we probably will once we are settled into our new home, but that is such a long hard process. I'm almost not looking forward to it. I hate the feeling of someone else judging whether I will be a good Mom or not. My word simply isn't enough. That is a lot of pressure. I feel like I have to be perfect, but I never will be. I'm human. 


I know trials throughout our lives are meant to help us grow and to shape us into better, stronger people. I have become stronger with my trials, but this one has seemed to really kick me down. I am struggling with what the lesson to be learned is right now. I know without a doubt that I would make an excellent mother and I can't figure out for the life of me why I cannot have that blessing. I am a good person. I haven't done much wrong in my life. So why is it so impossible for me to become a mother?

Hopefully someday I will have the answer to my questions, but in the mean time, all I can do is continue to have faith and hope that I can find some peace and understanding. I have so many things in my life to be thankful for and I have to focus on those things right now. I have a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally. A family who has laughed and cried with me, and friends who have supported me. I also have my dogs, who fill that huge void in my life where a child should be. They have been my kids over the years and I am so grateful for them.