Things We Wish We Could Tell People About Infertility

Dealing with infertility has most definitely been the hardest thing for Lee and I to endure. As we wait to adopt, we still struggle with the pain associated with infertility and that may never go away. I write this to simply share my thoughts and experiences, not to offend anybody.

My sister Alison sent me this list called "Things We Wish We Could Tell People About Infertility," along with this amazing music video called "I would die for that." (click here to watch it). She is pregnant right now, and she has voiced to me how grateful she is to be blessed with children. She has been so humbled by my struggle with infertility and has told me how my experience has affected her pregnancy. Her sharing those feelings with me has touched me in such a way she will never realize. We are in the same stage of life but on different ends of the spectrum. She is pregnant with her 3rd and it has always been easy for her to get pregnant. I have struggled for 7 long years with nothing to show for it. Although she doesn't know what it's like to suffer from infertility, she, along with the rest of my family has helped Lee and I carry this burden.

There have been many people along the way who have said things to us that was probably never meant to hurt our feelings, but in a way did. I took it in stride but I always wished there was a way to let them know how I truly felt, but never knew what to say. Here are a few examples and what I wished I could say.

1. Pregnant people have told me "Your so lucky you don't have to go through this."

My Response: I would go through morning sickness, swollen hands, feet and legs, constant backaches and whatever else it takes. I would do anything to be in your shoes and to become pregnant. Don't complain to me about the blessing you have been given, Your the lucky one.

2. People have asked me this question when their kids are misbehaving. "Are you sure you want kids? They can be such a pain sometimes"

My response: If I didn't want kids I wouldn't have gone through all the expensive medical treatments, Dr.'s visits, and procedures to find out that they didn't work. I wouldn't have spent 6 months filling out piles of paperwork, jumping through so many hoops, and feeling like I have to be perfect just to qualify for adoption, then be willing to wait for who knows how long to be picked by a birth mother who deems me good enough to raise her child.

3. "You'll get pregnant after you adopt"

My response: Although there are so many instances where that has happened, you can't assume it will happen to me. Adoption is not a cure for infertility. I have accepted my infertility and am confident that adoption is the path best for us. I will love that child more than anything, but at the same time I can still long to have experienced life inside me. That will never change.

4. "Once you stop trying it will happen. You just need to relax."

My response: If I can't get pregnant with fertility pills and other medical procedures, what makes you think that "not trying" or "relaxing" will do any better. Infertility is a medical condition that many people suffer with. Relaxing won't help infertility just as it won't help cure cancer or any other disease.

Here is the list my sister sent to me. Again, it is not meant to offend anybody. This simply is meant to help people understand what people suffering from infertility are going through. Lee and I can relate to a lot of these.

Things We Wish We Could Tell People About Infertility:

1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about my losses, my infertility, and to ask what you can do to help. I wish that you would not stop calling or asking questions just because you don't know what to say.

2. If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

3. I wish you wouldn't pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side.

4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.

5. Being an infertile person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me.

6. I wish you knew that all of the "crazy" grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me.

7. I wish you would not try to offer solutions. Trust me, we have been searching for the answer with all the effort our souls and if it was as simple as you think you think it is, we would have found it already.

8. Infertility is not a punishment for unrighteousness or a consequence of having done something "wrong." It is an unfortunate side effect of being human and a recognized medical condition.

9. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over if and when I become pregnant or have children. We struggle to accept the fact that with each attempt at a child, we will face the same fears, concerns and challenges. We will also never forget the pain of losing a dream.

10. I wish you could see that the goal is not to "get pregnant." It is to have a healthy baby and eventually the family that we crave.

11. I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight…sleep all the time or not at all…want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief.

12. My birthday, anniversaries of the failed pregnancies, holidays, and the days I find out that this cycle too was a bust, are all terrible times for me. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about me, and if I become withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Please don't try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon.

13. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs throughout this journey. We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully come to some new understandings. I wish you would let me tangle with my opinions and beliefs without making me feel guilty. I wish you would not classify this struggle as a simple matter of faith and belief.I wish you understood that infertility changes people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to my old self," you will be frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try and get to know the "new me"…maybe you will still like me.

14. I wish for those friends and family that are pregnant to understand that we are happy for them but our sadness/perhaps odd or distant behavior during this time is not personal but just a part of what we are grieving.

15. I wish that you would not judge the times that I am sad or find it hard to deal with things like pregnancies and/or baby showers. Infertility does not make us bad people, just people in pain.

16. I wish you would do the best you can to put yourself in my shoes and think about what you would do and how you would feel and use that to guide your support. Ask yourself the same questions you turn on me, "Why don't YOU JUST...?"